


These Last Moments

by larrybullshipper



Category: Larry - Fandom, One Direction
Genre: M/M, Sickfic, cancerfic, harrydies, larrystylinson, onedirection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:55:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22469725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larrybullshipper/pseuds/larrybullshipper
Summary: Every last moment means everything when that's all you have left. Especially when Harry's terminally ill an has months to live.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 1
Kudos: 28





	1. prologue

It was August when the boys had forced Harry to the doctors, the whole tour had been exhausting on all of them, more or less Harry. Harry had a lot of sickness while they'd been gone and some of the illnesses he'd been having was worry-some so he went to the doctors only to be faced with x-rays, C.A.T scans and lots of blood work.

At first they'd thought that he was nothing more then anorexic judging by how thin he was, along with being so tired. Then they looked further into it and found some unpleasant surprises.

Maybe it was October before he actually told anyone, maybe he spent a lot of time crying and being angry at God and himself.

Possibly when January came around he could feel it in his bones he couldn't hold out much longer, his body was slowing down progressively.

Yet the worst was his birthday, he'd blown out his twenty-one candles in a hospital room, hooked up to IV and practically excepting death.

And it came, death eventually hit him hours after his birthday cake. The cancer won.


	2. august

Exhaustion was an understatement, that word could not describe how drained Harry was, his back ached and it hurt slightly to breathe. It could have been yet another chest infection, and he dread going into the doctors office yet again because he knew he needed something. He was constantly cold, he easily caught colds, even if he slept, kissed, or had sex with Louis, Louis' never get sick but Harry could catch a cold from a stranger standing 12 miles away from him.

That worried the boys.

At first they really believed Harry had some kind of eating disorder, and sat him down to question him about it but they'd realized after hours of them crying- he didn't have an eating disorder.

Harry had a blanket wrapped around him and his lips parted slightly as the plane took off heading back to London and he was so thankful, he'd be back in his own bed, with his boyfriend and have nothing to do.

_Perfect_.

As he feel asleep Louis petted his head to sooth him, Harry loved his head to be petted when he was falling asleep, it was strange.

Once he knew Harry was sleeping he walked to the back, where the rest of the boys were playing cards and drinking.

Perks of having a private plane.

"Harry sleeping?" Zayn questioned fiddling with a straw that he kept chewing on, something he did when he wanted to smoke but they were on a plane or in a signing or something. Louis nodded sighing sitting down, he was so worried about Harry, there had to be something wrong. He just didn't know what, and that was getting on his nerves.

"I think he needs to see a doctor- a proper doctor, he can't keep getting chest infections it's not normal." Liam piped up while also chewing on a straw due to his own smoking habit, Louis himself smoked but not around Harry he used to but with him keep catching chest infections he didn't want Harry around that. It wasn't good for people who had perfect health, it wasn't even good for people in general.

"He... I dunno Liam, he just get so sick and the other day I swore he coughed blood up but he said it was nothing- I'm just worried it's something more then just a weak immune system."

"He coughed up blood?" Niall all but whispered with wide eyes in his life he'd seen a lot of that happen from his granddad who died of lung cancer, it kind of hit Niall that Harry had a lot of the same illnesses his granddad did. Louis nodded while pursing his lips waiting for Niall to continue with his theory.

"My granddad died when I was fifteen from lung cancer, I remember how tired and cold he was, he lost so much weight and he'd always have chest infection or pneumonia. Harry had a pain in his shoulder didn't he? I remember right before my granddad got diagnosed he'd had such bad pain he couldn't sleep at night- you don't think?" Louis started to cry, like ugly cry. It was so clear, Harry had to have cancer, what else would be the reasoning behind everything? He had to be very sick, and Louis couldn't deal with it if Harry was cancer sickened.

Harry heard Louis' cry, and hurried to where the boys sat soothing Louis.

"Lou," he breathed as the older boy pulled away from the rest of the boys' grasps and melted into Harry's embrace. "Whatever's the matter." He asked still holding on to him as Louis continued to cry.

"I don't want you to be sick," Harry's eyebrows scrunched together, he was a bit confused. He wasn't sick? That he knew of, he'd booked a doctors for when he got home so they could do something for his chronic chest infections maybe his asthma was getting worst.

"Louis, I'm not sick though." He stated looking at the boys who had a worried look etched on they're faces.

"But you’ve been so sick lately what if it’s something more?" Harry blinked a few times pulling away to look at Louis who had stopped crying now and looked at him with puffy red eyes.

"What.. I- Louis, what is going on? Lads?" Niall sank into his chair, he felt guilty for what he said, working Louis up like that when maybe Harry was fine he just had a week immune system, lots of people did.

"Promise me you're okay, please Harry." Harry's face stayed confused a he nodded.

"Louis I'm fine, what's this all about?" Louis shook his head, maybe he was just reacting, and he didn't even know if Harry did have cancer. He shouldn't plant things into Harry's mind, so he dropped it and left Harry confused.

"It's nothing," he said as Harry felt Louis' forehead making sure he wasn't sick, he seemed more mad then sick in all honesty.

"Are you going mad or? I mean that was random."

"I just.. Worry, okay? But you're okay, and I'm fine. We're good." Harry reluctantly nodded and kissed Louis' lips, genuinely the lads would say something on the behalf of the PDA, but they let it be. It wasn't the time nor place.

"Come lay with me?" Harry questioned as Louis nodded. The two boys stood up bidding a goodnight and walking to go lay down at the front of the plane.

Zayn, Liam and Niall all sighed once the lovers left.

"He does need a doctor, I am worried about him." Zayn spoke up, as they all nodded too scared to talk. Not to talk in general but scared for they're best friend, they're brother.

*

"Lou, I'm heading off. I'll be back in an hour!" Harry yelled through the three story house they owned, Harry thought it was ridiculous for two people to have so much space but Louis argued his way into getting his 'dream house.' Plus Harry gave in far too quickly when it came to Louis, he loved him too much.

Louis came to the top of the stairs with a towel around his waist and tooth brush in hand nodding.

"Love you," he stated as he checked out his handsome boyfriend, in nothing by a towel, Louis waved goodbye and said something incoherent but Harry assumed he said 'I love you' as well.

Seconds later he got a text from Louis, and smiled, Louis always made him smile.

Lou: Love you, had tooth paste in my mouth... Ha, call me when you get out. Wish you'd let me come with you :( miss you already :( xxxx

Harry read it and sent a quick "will do love, miss you too baby. Don't worry about me, I'll be okay. Love you.xxx"

He slipped his phone back in his back pocket and drove to the hospital, he didn't tell Louis, nor the boys, or his mum, or anyone in general that he'd be seeing a oncologists. He'd had an appointment with his family doctor five days ago but lied to Louis saying he was going grocery shopping, so after finding out he had to see on oncologists for the fact he may have lung cancer he walked around the grocery store picking up things that Louis had wanted back. He was a mess and maybe that's why he put a sad romantic movie on that night, so he could cry and not worry Louis.

Today was practically d-day for him, he found out the severity of his cancer and he'd pick a plan of action, and have to sort out a way to tell everyone.

He wished he told Louis so he could have had some moral support but this was the better way, he'd go home after he found out everything and tell Louis. Break it to him softly, tell him he would pull through this, and he needs him.

Upon walking into the hospital building he found his way to ward C- the cancer ward- and gave his name and waited to be called. He'd never seen so many sick people in his life, there were around ten people in the room and 80 percent were boys his age, the other 20% was woman in there 20s. Or so he believed.

He kind of kept to himself he didn't want to talk to anyone, scared that someone would say something, and he'd be caught at a oncologists by himself.

After twenty minutes of waiting his name was called and thank the blessed lord he was beginning to go crazy waiting.

"Styles, Harry Edward." The woman called and he stood up as a few people glanced at him with narrowed eyes, and he felt screwed over one of them out put on twitter he was here, he knew it. He prayed no one would.

He followed the lady down the hallway to the third room.

"Doctor Jane will be in shortly." She smiled as Harry nodded taking a seat.

Not even two minutes went by and the doctor walked in, she was an older lady, but had a smile on her face.

_How grand_ , Harry thought, she comes in tells people they're dying with a smile on there face.

"I'm Jane, Dalinko, I'll be your oncologists." Harry smiled a tad nodding as she looked in his file.

"So practically today, we just go over what the results came in as and discuss the next step. I can't sugar coat anything, so don't take it rudely." She started out as she glanced over the paper, and by God was today going to be hard on her.

"So at this point in the game you've already been told you have lung cancer correct?" Harry nodded slowly he really couldn't talk or he'd cry he knew it.

"Okay so all the related illnesses you have such as: a cough that worsens or doesn't go away

chest pain that is constant and made worse by deep breathing or coughing

blood-stained sputum (mucus and other matter coughed up from the lungs)

shortness of breath

wheezing

frequent chest infections (bronchitis or pneumonia)

fatigue

loss of appetite

weight loss

severe shoulder pain - caused by a superior sulcus tumour pressing on a nerve?" She questioned as Harry nodded yet again. Harry had already made a mental checklist of all of those symptoms and had basically all of them. 

"Yeah, we talked about all that last time, not us- but my regular doctor." Harry's voice was shaky and the doctor felt sorry for him, the fact he was a young twenty year old boy with no one for moral support.

"Right so, lung cancer.. It comes in stages; four stages. You know how the stages work, it says that you and doctor Peters talked about the different stages and how it moves, so stage four. Stage four is the most advanced form of lung cancer, and pretty much means it spread to both lungs, and other body origins. So at this point you are at stage four, it's something some people don't catch until the late stages- cancer- sadly and I apologize but that's where your at. Right now it's contained to just the lungs but, it will spread, and really we can do chemotherapy and radiotherapy but it's not going to cure the cancer. It's only going to prolong your life for maybe five, six more months then the expectancy your given." Harry had one of those cries where tears were falling, but he wasn't crying. He bit the inside of his cheek and shook his head.

"If I'm going to die then I don't want chemo or anything. How long though, how many months?" He was calm surprisingly, he had to be he had to finish this appointment. He was nearly still in denial, it was so.. Unrealistic, or so he thought.

"You'd make it to at March at the lastest, so in around 7 months, without treating you."

"I.. I just don't want to have any pain." The doctor nodded as she couldn't bring any further bad news such as the fact, he was going to be in pain with or without treatment. So the rest of the appointment was filled with what to do and not to do, some Harry found utterly silly, some understandable. He was handed many papers, and booklets and was made new appointments, one every two weeks. It was a lot to take in and nothing was hitting him fast at all, it was coming slowly, like in stages, just like the cancer came- in stages, stages he never caught it in early enough.


	3. september / october

September was a rather lovely month in all places of the world, wether it be the leaves starting to lose the green colour and go brown, red or yellow. Or the crisp air that nips at you when you don't have a jumper of, or maybe the days where it's still half summer weather out and you can go out without a jumper. Anyway you looked at it September was a beautiful month, for most it was anyways.

Harry was having a bad day, that turned into a bad week that made him stop breathing momentarily in his sleep due to lack of oxygen causing him to have a panic attack, which lead to him waking Louis up. Who nearly passed out when he had to drive Harry to the hospital at four in the morning, it was quite hectic.

On the way to the hospital Harry kept telling Louis he loved him, Louis thought nothing of it in his state of panic, Harry did though.

By the time they reached the hospital Louis had heard the words 'I love you Lou.' Over twenty times, that started to cause panic in Louis, then there was the moment when Harry gave a slip of paper to the nurse and she gave hooked him up to oxygen right away. That made Louis go ghost white with horror and concern, also he was scared Harry knew more then he was letting on.

Harry was giving a wheelchair, as a nurse pushed him, Louis walking deep behind following, they moved him into a room and got him to get into a hospital bed, saying that a doctor would be there right away.

Louis sat on the chair, still lost in a lot of this, beyond confused.

"Louis," Harry mumbled as Louis grabbed his hand. "I uhm, I should have said this before, I- please Louis understand- _please_? This is hard for me too." By now Louis' mind was thinking the worst, a rare incurable case of some foreign influenza. Louis stayed silent though, waiting on Harry who looked like he was about to pass out from exhaustion.

"I have cancer," he squeaked. At first Louis didn't hear him, because he just hummed nodding, then came the second reaction where he done a double take and his face went pasty white, eyes nearly coming out of his head.

" _What_?" He breathed unsure of what the hell was going on surely this had to be a sick dream, this wasn't real life, surly.

"I have terminal lung cancer." He said slowly as tears feel down his face and Louis rushed to the nearest trash can, something Harry was surprised hadn't been done yet, Louis had a very weak stomach. Harry licked his lips, trying to contain himself as the doctor walked in and he watched as a doctor came over to Louis.

"So, let's take your vitals." The young doctor said, no doubt he was around twnety-five. "While I do that, any health risk?" He questioned his Scottish accent bring annoyance to Harry, he quite hated Scotch accents along with Gordie's, he proper disliked the accent. The young Scotch man was taking his blood pressure as Harry started to talk.

"I have lung cancer," he shallowly admitted, as he nodded.

"Are you doing chemo, or radiation?"

"Uhm nether? It's incurable so I'm not going to do anything to 'fix' it when it's not going to do anything but prolong my death." The doctor who's name was Richard- as stated by his name tag, nodded a bit doing all his vitals.

"Are you depressed?"

"What? No! Of course not! Why-" Harry was cut off by Richard, as Louis came back into the room with wide eyes.

"You just seem morbid about everything that's all, I mean it's a morbid situation- my condolences- but you seem a bit more... Open to the fact of dying. On another note, I'm going to set a PET scan for tomorrow and I'll get in contact with your oncologist. For now your good, your oxygen level is quite low, you could have fluid built up in your lungs so I'm going to have to say you'll have to stay here the night. We will get you a room- privite? Also this oxygen tank has to stay on." Harry nodded anxiously, he was being kept until he got the PET scan how the hell was he going to keep this from the press, from the boys, his head was spinning.

"I'm going to set a room up, your vitals seemed good other then the oxygen levels." Richard said as he slipped out of the room, leaving Louis and Harry alone.

"Harry," Louis gritted, he was angry.

"Let me explain, please?"

"Explain now? Oh really," he started laughing in a non-funny manor. "Yeah now would be great, now that you're fucking hospitalized! Yeah, now is fucking great." He yelled as Harry shut his eyes, he knew Louis was going to do this, he could feel it.

"I'm sorry,"

"Yeah you're fucking sorry." He spat as a nurse came into the room.

"Sir, were going to have to ask you to leave." Louis snorted facing the older lady.

"Fuck that." Louis snorted as Harry looked at Louis annoyed that he was making a scene.

"He's fine, just in a bit of shock." The nurse nodded with a frown showing Harry a button besides the bed.

"If he gets too much, we can remove him." She whispered as Louis rolled his eyes, and Harry nodded sneaking glances at Louis' tried face.

It was out now, Louis knew he had cancer, now he would have to tell his family, the boys, and the rest of the world, he felt smothered.

"I couldn't bring my self to tell you okay? Just.. Please until I'm ready don't tell anyone, please Louis." He pleaded as Louis sighed sitting back down in the chair, bringing his fingers to Harry's and locking them together.

"How long have you known?"

"Since August," Harry replied as Louis bit his lip, he was trying to hold on but with every new found statement Louis was two steps closer to breaking down.

"Are you doing treatment without me knowing too?" He snapped bitterly making Harry feel bad, he wanted to in a way but also felt bad for seeing Harry's somber look.

"No, I, uhm.. I'm pretty much incurable, I can do chemo or radiation but that's really not going to change anything, this cancer can't get cut out, there's too many tumours, I'm a time bomb Louis." He put it frankly as Louis' face stayed blank, he was going through shock. Louis didn't know what to say, or feel, he felt sick but a different sick, he could describe it.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Louis whispered scared if he talked much more he'd breakdown.

"Lou, I was scared like, beyond scared I couldn't think of a way to tell you! I wanted to, I just couldn't, my mum doesn't even know."

" _Harry_ ," Louis scolded, as Harry just looked at his lap, he was ashamed in not saying but it's not an easy thing to tell, he couldn't ever find the words to say.

"I know, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I love you." Louis climbed into the bed next to Harry pulling him into his arm, touching him like he was breakable even.

"I know love," he kissed his head letting tears slip down his tanned checks. "I love you." Harry cried too, he didn't like the way Louis was holding him, he didn't like how he was treating him like some china doll. He was the gentle one, Louis wasn't, now Louis was being gentle and barley keeping a firm grasp on him.

"Louis, I'm not breakable." He uttered out with that Louis pulled Harry closer -bone crushing close- and kissed him.

"But you're dying." He said sombrely with tears tracked down his face, Harry's hand pulled Louis head into his shoulder while the other hand rubbed his back.

"Lou," he muttered while comforting the crying boy. "It'll be alright." He spoke clearly maybe saying the words would mean something even if nothing was alright right now, maybe it would be soon.

*

By five o'clock in the afternoon the next day Harry's results got back, he and Louis sat with the doctor to discuss the results of the PET scan.

"Well, there's a lot of fluid that needs to be drained in stead of putting you on the portable drain, like you've had here- that has taken away a good majority of the fluid- I'm going to give you a prescription, it'll do the same job just that it'll take more time.

Now the PET scan results are back and, good news being it's not at your liver. Bad news both lungs are completely lit up, your going to have to stay on oxygen for a majority of the day. The fact it's staying within the lungs is rather good, like I said this type of cancer will attack your liver and that's going to kill you, not the lung cancer but the liver cancer. Seeing how good your body is reacting to the prescriptions I'd say you have a good solid year, not just six month." She smiled as Louis left a deep breath out, a year? He'd have a year more with Harry being greedy he'd like more time- naturally- but if a years all he had a year would do.

"so everything is looking good other then the fluid?"

"Yes," she nodded handing a couple forms to Harry to sign. "Good considering the circumstances, yes." That was good enough for Harry.

"What's the date today?" He questioned while filling the form out, as Louis glanced at his phone and brung his hand back to Harry's.

"September 29th 2014." Harry nodded writing the date and signing it.

"Another thing, you've lost five pounds you need to keep eating, okay?" Harry nodded he hadn't been eating great he'd been so stressed out, Louis gave him a look, he'd make sure Harry gained some weight, he wanted Harry's life to live as long as he could.

"Chemo is still an option," she reminded as they started leaving Harry had been thinking about it but the cons out weight the pros.

"I'll think on it," he stated but even Louis knew that meant ' _it's still a no_.' With that they dropped the forms off at the front desk and started out thanking God there wasn't anyone around barely. Harry's hand grabbed on to Louis' and Louis smiled but the smile failed quickly.

"You have to tell your mum," he stated strictly. As Harry wheeled the oxygen tank behind him with one hand, not enjoying how it felt on his cheeks.

"When we get home I'll ring her, I can't do it if I'm with her, I can't." Louis nodded that would be okay, as long as Anne knew, she had to know, that was her son. Dying, dying of lung cancer.

The drive was short, and Harry fumbled with his phone while Louis started tea for them and ordered Chinese. Louis' head hurt a lot, thinking of everything, his Harry was so sick, so sick that he was sitting with an oxygen tank. He glanced over at see Harry who had his eyes shut and the phone pressed close against his ear.

It took a few rings for Anne to pick up, but she did and Harry felt bad that her happy tone was going to be burst.

"Hello my favourite son, how are you my love?" Harry chuckled and rolled his eyes, his mum always started out like that, always.

"Where.. Where you at mum?" He questioned keeping his voice as still as it could. He heard a cup set down, and he knew she'd be sitting with Robin, and she'd be putting the phone on speaker.

"I'm at home baby, just finished dinner, having a cuppa with Robin, where are you? You're alright, yeah?" He wanted to lie and laugh saying a yes and that he was just curious on what she was doing, but he couldn't he had to tell her, and quickly.

"Kind of," he down-played at first but then sighed when he seen Louis standing in the hallway leaning against the wall with a heartfelt glare. "Actually no, I'm not ' _okay_ ' mum please, understand, okay?" He imagined her starting to cry a little, the woman was over emotional, she took a deep breath before talking back and Harry's eyes stung as Louis arms came around him, comforting him.

"I.." That's when he started crying, as did Louis, it was utterly heartbreaking. " I, back in August- I should have told you mum- I went to my doctor... Who, who did some test, and sent them to an oncologist. I, I have stage four lung cancer.." He breathed as Louis chocked and he could hear how hard his mum was sobbing and hearing Robing comfort her. "I'm, I'm terminally ill, I had a scare last night and now I have to have oxygen, and mum- god I'm so so sorry- I really should have told you and Gemma... Told you that I'm nothing more then dying and th.. There's nothing I can do."

It took Anne a week to have actual understand it, it was stages of denial until it hit and she ended up driving into London.

She cried into Harry's arms nearly the whole time, Harry cried too, along with Louis. Anne had hold Gemma, and Gemma wasn't taking it well, she phoned Harry- angered with him. Angry that she wasn't told, Harry understood though, he really did.

His mum only came up for a day the next day they broke the news to the boys. It was more like Louis doing it, while Harry was shopping but none the less it happended.

***

"You and Harry have to come out tonight." Liam whined while flickering with a lighter, that really didn't help Louis' cravings for a cigarette.

"Can't," he sighed while Niall rolled his eyes, Zayn was too involved with his phone to care about the bickering match about to take place towards getting the couple to go out tonight.

"You two are coming." Louis glanced around before shutting his eyes, taking a deep breath, it was kind of one of those word vomit times, it didn't mean to come out it just did.

"Harry can't be around them kind of places, smoke filled night clubs, Jesus. He's got fucking lung cancer, have some respect." Louis eyes widened as the realization hit, he just said Harry had cancer. Shit. Shit.

The three boys blinked a few times before their eyes widened as well, this time Zayn spoke up, unsure of what the fuck was going on.

"Harry has what?" Louis wanted to lie, say he caught some kind of tropical sexual disease and he's highly contagious- in fact Louis himself was on the verge of getting it as well but Louis didn't lie. He spoke the truth, no matter how much Harry would kill him.

"Harry's, uhm, he's dying?" Louis squeaked as Zayn sat dumbfounded Liam let out a nervous laugh as Niall shot a glare.

"You're joking right?" This had to have been some kind of stupid sick, sick joke.

"Who the hell jokes about cancer? No I'm not fucking joking, Harry's very sick, not even chemo can shrink the tumours there's too many. He can't get them cut out, he's got no hope of getting rid of it, none." Louis' eyes brimmed with tears, and he sniffled as he was close to loosing it, every time his thoughts drifted to his dying, perfect, beautiful boyfriend he tended to cry. All three boys sat sinking the information in, how was it possible? Niall had called it really, but no one wanted to hear the harsh reality of it.

"So.." Liam breathed breaking the silence. "What's, what's like the step from here? What happens next? They can cure it right?" He questioned- crying. It was like all he heard was that Harry had lung cancer and that was it.

Louis took a deep breath, preparing for repeating himself as Harry walked in.

He looked around the room confused he coughed as they jumped a bit, Harry took the scene in and knew, he just knew. He set the few bags down, and smiled a tad, unsure of what to do.

"Didn't know you lads would be over," he mumbled looking over at Louis who had red brimmed eyes, he ran a hand through his hair as no one talked he sighed because holy shit, if everyone was going to treat him like glass fuck the load of them he's moving to LA and lay his ass on the beach for the next few months until he dies. He'd much rather be with Louis, who he loved and the lads who he adored but he couldn't take being treated like he was different.

"I haven't turned into an alien okay? This happens everyday to people, I'm not the one person in the world who has cancer and I'm lot going to be the last, I'm not glass I'm not breakable. I will die just like everyone else in this room, only I'm going sooner." He announced angerly, as Louis gave him a look, he was being a tad bit harsh but maybe Harry was just sick of it all, he was being smothered by his mother and by Louis himself. Maybe he needed space, he was still only human, they need space, something he wasn't getting.

"Babe," Louis breathed, grabbing Harry's cold hand as Harry didn't flinch he kept a gaze locked at the three boys sitting on the sofa.

"I'm sorry.." Zayn started out and Louis shut his eyes he knew what Zayn was meaning and he knew how Harry reacted when Louis tried to say it was from all of the second hand smoke.

"Zayn please don't, this isn't anyone's fault. I swear to God if anyone tells me they're sorry I will leave, what do you have to be sorry for?" He snapped siting himself besides Louis on the arm of the big chair they had.

"It's sympathetic-" Liam interjected but being returned with a hard glare from Harry who cut him off.

"I don't want to be sympathized I'm still Harry, okay?" Louis' hand grabbed Harry's trying to sooth him. "It's hard on me yes, it's hard on everyone else too, but can it not be the topic all the freaking time asking me how I'm doing, please? I don't want that, I want to ignore the fact I have cancer." They stayed silent, because maybe it was going to be hard on them, but it's going to be a hell of a lot harder on Harry so for his sake they changed the subject. For his sake they ignored the subject further more that night. Not to say once they left they didn't break-down slightly (or greatly) but, they kept it away from Harry's sight.

To make him feel a bit normal.

*

Before Halloween came around they decided they should put a public announcement towards Harry's illness out there, the announcement was via One Directions Twitter, Facebook and website and said:

One Direction will be taking a break, we are unsure wether the break is temporary or permanent.

The break is regarding a members health, it has recently been discovered that Harry Styles has stage four lung cancer.

This break will be no shorter then a year long, however they will be doing interviews through-out the break.

Our thoughts at this time are with Harry and his family, we urge everyone to understand this is a serious matter.

Until further notice the band will not be touring, recording or releasing new music.

Thank you, 1DHQ x

When the message when out there was mass chaos on twitter, Instagram, tumblr and every other social media website. Many had well wishes for the sick singer while some viscous, rude people said he deserved it.

By now even thought it had been a little under two weeks since he had been given the oxygen tank, he could not go the day without it, his lungs were weak and every day was different.

On a good day you'd know it because he would want to do stuff, do something when a lot of the time he spent his days sleeping in bed. It frustrated him that he was so tired because his condition hadn't changed, but he was just getting weaker slowly but surely.

Louis thought he was depressed, but Harry assured him he wasn't, just to be sure he never left Harry alone for a while.

While Harry and Louis laid in bed Harry knew Louis was nearly asleep but he couldn't, he had a sudden burst of energy.

"Lou," he sung into Louis' ear, as Louis grunted pushing the blanket further over his face. "Babe." He sung again pulling the blankets off Louis.

"What?" He moaned sleepy-like. Harry snuggled close into Louis, and bit his ear as Louis tried to suppress his surprise, and needs.

Harry's lips sucked on the spot Louis loved to have Harry's lips on, a spot right under his ear but more on his neck. Louis knew why Harry was doing by this point because Harry's oxygen tank was off and Harry always slept with it on, he'd wake up chocking on air nearly if he didn't use it. Louis turned on his back and smiled at his lover, who straddled him lacing their lips together.

Louis missed this, he missed having an actual relationship with Harry, and yes sex was part of being in a relationship.

Louis let his hands down Harry's boxers as their lips never left each other's only stopping for a moment.

Harry moaned into Louis' mouth while the older boys hand rubbed Harry's hardened erection.

"Fuck," Harry breathed as Louis nipped at Harry's collarbone. In this moment it wasn't Harry being sick, it wasn't everyone concern with them, it was Harry and Louis in the moment, being together and being in love. Nothing else mattered at the two boys sweaty boys roamed each other's body's pleasing one an other after so long from sex.

Harry was exhausted after coming three times, Louis was as well but it was different for Harry because he had to put his oxygen in, and he most surely wouldn't be getting out of bed tomorrow.

"I love you," Louis spoke into Harry's chest as Harry kissed the top of Louis' head.

"I love you forever and always."


	4. november / december

Harry loathed the oxygen tank, completely loathed it. It was annoying to have on his face, children were scared of him unsure what was in his nose and he hated that fact he had to use it. As he got of the short lived shower, because his fucking oxygen tank couldn't be on him while he was in the shower, and the hot steam of the water was making him nearly gasp for air.

Harry now had about 46 percent of his lungs working, therefor every single task was a struggle and it was only mid-November. He was sure that he'd die much sooner then a years time, and the fact that he had less then a year and so much pain still to go through made him want to be dead already.

It was morbid, but he had an overwhelming deal of depression that he didn't talk about- other then to his doctor who prescribed him anti-depressants. It was just, living your life a knowing you were going to die at any moment really, and having shitty lungs and feeling like death all the time.

He downplayed how he felt, a lot, he lied to Louis that he wasn't tired when he knew Louis was in the mood for sex. He lied to the boys when they wanted to come over and sit for hours on end, and he just wanted to sleep. He felt like he had to because at any moment, his life was going to be ripped from his hands, then what would he have? Not a whole lot.

When he thought about it though, didn't everyone go day by day not knowing wether they'd live or die? Everyone's life is a chance, life can be torn out of you at anytime, and really he had a formality of having cancer.

As he sat on the toilet seat, trying to get his breath regulated after his shower, he tried not to think on the death he had coming but on the things he should be thankful, and blessed for doing while he was alive. Really he's done it all, and no matter how many times he expressed to Louis, he was fine with dying he'd had a full life, Louis never got it. Maybe it takes people being faced with reality head on to realize anything.

As his breathing started to feel normal he got up, checking himself out before walking into the bedroom to find a pair of sweat pants and a shirt.

He longed for the days where he would love to walk around shirtless but his bony body, wasn't much to be shown, he hated how much weight he's lost, and how he couldn't gain it back.

Once he was dressed he lugged the dreaded tank with him to the living room, seeing Louis a sleep while the TV was still playing. Harry smiled as he wiggled himself besides Louis' warm body, Louis moaned a bit before a snore came from his lips causing Harry to smile further, because yeah his boyfriend was fucking adorable. Harry and Louis stayed like that for a while, Louis sleeping while Harry watched him, something that was rare and usually places were switched but Harry didn't mind. He looked so peaceful and so perfect, that he couldn't wake Louis up to bother him with something idle as in making him food.

After an hour of watching him sleep Harry got off the couch feeling far too uncomfortable, and his back ached, he really felt old.

Upon checking his phone, he frowned when he realized it was only two weeks until December which meant Christmas was pretty much around the corner and he had nothing for Louis. So he rang Zayn, asking him to pick him up so they could go shopping for a gift for Louis' birthday and Christmas gift, Zayn agreed saying he'd be around in no more the twenty minutes, which gave Harry enough time to ponder what to wear and blow dry his hair.

After putting a more newer pair of sweat pants on and a thick jumper topped off with a signature beanie, which would most surely cause headlines saying Harry was going bald. When he most surly wasn't, that was besides the point, he was just glad to be going to have some 'bro' time with Zayn.

Louis was still sleeping when he came back into the living room so he stuck a post-it to Louis' forehead saying that he'd left with Zayn and he'd be back within an hour or two. He also fought the urge to draw over Louis' face, he wasn't sure why he had a great deal of energy in him today but he was happy about it. Maybe the B-12 was finally kicking in, hopefully that would be the case and it wasn't the rare 'good day' he couldn't deal with having no energy tomorrow. He liked feeling some-what normal, even with this stupid tank connected to him.

While shopping in a strip mall in the main part of London, Zayn seemed off, like he had a lot going on kind of off. He could have blamed annoying crazed fans that ruined their shopping trip, but that wasn't the case, people were being proper and not chasing them or really bothering them. They knew of Harry's condition, call it a cancer perk (if there was any) but people not came up to ask him how he was. Which was more annoying then being stalked if you asked him, he hated that famous line "how are you?" Of course he wasn't feeling good, but he'd lie and say he was doing alright, he lied a lot to people lately about how he was.

"You okay, Z?" Harry asked quietly as they walked into a jewellers, as Harry wanted to get Louis a promise ring- symbolizing that Harry will always love him and he promises to watch over him. Zayn kind of shrugged as they looked at different rings, sighing.

"Pez, is pregnant." Harry's eyes widened turning to face his older friend smiling as he did.

"That's amazing Zayn! Wow, mate, congratulations... You are happy right?" Zayn but his lip feeling guilty, that he wasn't as thrilled about becoming a father as his bride-to-be was about becoming a mother.

"It's just a lot, yeah? We aren't even married." Zayn sighed once again, he was happy- in a way, but he was more worried then anything. "What if I'm a shit father?" Harry snorted rolling his eyes, with a bit of jealousy really, he'd never know the feeling of wondering how great of a dad he was going to be. Or having the feeling of being a dad.

"Everyone is a shit parent with the first one, it's the trial child, everyone knows that." Zayn chuckled, as Harry scanned over the rings seeing one he liked, motioning the sales lady over.

"Hard to adjust to, y'know, so much going on and now this... Stress full." Harry just gave him a smile, he knew that he caused a great deal of stress on everyone, Niall had admitted one time that they all kind of just waited for the call to say he was dead. It was horrible that they were always on edge about it, Harry hated that he caused everyone to stress out so much.

"Can I help you?" She questioned with her higher pitched voice, that normally Harry would cringe at but ignored because he did plan on buying off of this lady.

"Yes, actually, I'm looking for a ring- a promise ring- for my boyfriend. Something simple but has some kind of diamond in it? Like for a diamond promise." The lady, who's name was Jane, as stated on the handy name-tag, bit her lip, looking in a case to the far left. She pulled a tray out as Zayn and Harry moved closer to see the ring she was about to show them.

She pulled a gold ring out, that had tiny tiny diamonds in the middle of the band. Harry looked at it, in awe of how perfect it was, so simple.

"How's this?" She asked smiling as she handed Harry the ring, Zayn moved himself to examine the ring aswell, nodding in approval.

"I do quite like it, yeah, yeah. I'll, I'll take that." He smiled as the woman got a box and bag for it, and Harry walked to the til.

*

When Louis woke up he noticed a pink sticky note on his forehead, smiling peeling it off reading Harry's smeared writting, a bit happy Harry would be gone for a few hours. Not that he didn't want to be around Harry, because he did, his time was limited with him. It was the too much together, always together kind-of thing. So he decided to take a bath, something he didn't do because he was scared if he was away from Harry for more then a half hour something would happen. He knew he hated being treated like glass but, Louis couldn't help it, he wanted to be careful with the sick lad.

As he filled his bath up, he put his calming play-list on in the bathroom stereo speakers, relaxing while breathing in the lavender bath oils.

His mind had so much on the go, he really never had time for him, he wasn't complaining, he really wasn't he was just so stressed out.

He was unsure of how to explain how he felt, because he was sick of staying in, but right now he wouldn't have it any other way. It was absolutely horrible to think, and he really wasn't ready for a life with-out Harry, but he couldn't help but think... When Harry is gone, he won't have this stress, he won't have to worry on Harry. Yet he liked the fact he had to worry about him, meant he was still very much alive, and he was forever thankful that he still was.

Taking a deep breath, he tried to ignore thoughts of Harry, death, and cancer. He just wanted to have a peaceful five minutes even, that would be fine.

While he thought of the nothing-ness, the hot water soothed his body, and the lavender smell filled his nostrils, as his friend Ed's voice played through the stereo. It was peaceful.

As the water turned from hot to warm, to luke-warm, he heard Harry's voice calling out for him.

Instead of getting out and wrapping a towel around his waist (incase Zayn was in) he just yelled back saying he was in the bath, keeping the wet towel over his eyes- relaxing.

Within five minutes Harry came into the bathroom, smiling at Louis.

"Nice bath?" He questioned as Louis took the towel off of his eyes smiling nodding.

"Yeah it's, relaxing really." Harry smirked taking his oxygen out, as he was about to get in with him. Before Harry could strip, Louis pulled Harry in, making him shriek and Louis laugh.

"How aren't you cold!" Harry exclaimed sitting up in the bath tub- fully clothed.

"I don't take 90 degree hot baths, how was shopping?" Harry's eyes narrowed at him.

"You mean to tell me, you pulled me in this cold bath, fully clothed may I add, to ask me how my shopping with Zayn went?" Louis chuckled as Harry gave him a serious, not so serious smirk.

"Well why else? If I wanted to have sex with you I would have waited until your clothes came off." Harry snorted pulling his oversized jumper off as Louis fondled with Harry's socks.

"How sexy, you taking my socks off." Harry laughed, and for a moment, it was like Harry wasn't sick, and this time would have been Louis' favourite time having sex with Harry, even if it was there last.

After they showered off Louis went down stairs to get Harry his pills and a glass of water as Harry went to fix himself in bed. When Louis walked in he almost cried because, his perfect Harry just looked so tiny, and never had tiny been ever used to describe Harry, never.

He sucked it up, and placed the pills on the night stand along with the water, earning a smile from the younger boy as he climbed into bed.

"I hate pills," Harry explained swallowing them with a sour face, as Louis spooned him from behind. Louis kissed behind Harry's ear as Harry finished taking his pills and laying back down. "I feel like were old, like an old married couple." Louis chuckled at the thought because yeah, he was right, they were kind of like an old married couple.

"I miss the days when we said we'd never be like that," Louis counteracted as Harry raised an eyebrow, fiddling with the cord of his oxygen tank.

"I miss the days... I miss last year, I do, I wasn't sick, we were good, I was good.. Life was good. I mean, life is good still considering everything, but like- oh God I sound like a proper dick don't I?"

"No, no love. Why ever do you think that, baby?" Harry rolled over facing Louis with a somber expression.

"Because even though I'm sick, and dying, I still have a fantastic life. People don't have why I have, not just.. Materialistically but just life wise, I don't give a shit about all this stuff, I don't I just need people. Kind, loving, wonderful people. People like you, Lou." Louis smiled kissing Harry, he loved this boy he really did, god was he ever in love.

"I love you." Louis spoke slowly, kissing Harry once again, not only saying how he felt but showing him.

*

"C'mon Lou, open this one, Hm?" Harry motioned over to the small box he was holding as Louis narrowed his eyes.

"Harry I swear to God, I told you after the gifts you got me yesterday for my birthday... I don't want anything else."

"But I lovvve you." Harry sang bringing the box over to Louis while putting some wrapping paper in the garbage bag. Louis gave him a look, with pursed lips, as he started unwrapping it. Harry genuinely loved Christmas, he loved the looks on peoples faces once they had their gifts and how happy everyone was. This was surely going to be his last Christmas so he made sure he got everyone good, life-long gifts.

Louis blinked a few times as he noted it was a jewelry box.

"Harry..." He started off as he opened it to see the gold band with tiny glittering diamonds surrounding the band. He gasped as Harry's smile widened taking the box off Louis, and taking the ring out.

"I got this because, I'm not going to be around forever- or much longer- but I wanted to make a promise. A diamond promise, I will always, always love you, and i know we'll never be that married couple we planed on being or the super strict parent, who watch our kids grow old... That doesn't matter though, what matters is how much I love you, and how I could never have asked or wished for such a beautiful human being to be my boyfriend. I love you, always." Louis was proper crying, Harry was too good for words. God he loved Harry, he really just loved Harry.

"Harry I love you," he whispered pulling Harry into his arms as he cried with happiness and sorrow over the fact, this beautiful human wouldn't be with him much longer.

Harry slid the finger on Louis' middle finger, kissing it, then kissing Louis' lips.

"I will always love you Lou.." He mumbled against his lips, trying not to cry as welll.

Christmas Day had went rather well, Harry's family had came over and he really wouldn't have had it any other way.

Through out the lovely dinner Louis and his mum and Gemma had put together, Harry couldn't help but feel stabbing pains in his stomach, so he didn't eat very much.

He carried on laughing and joking pretending he wasn't in pain, but in al reality he felt really sick. Excusing himself he made his was to the bath room sitting down on the toilet seat with his hands in his face, was he dying? Is this what was happening? He started crying a bit because he was unsure of what to do, he wanted to have this last Christmas being okay, having a good time not locking himself in the bathroom crying because of the pains shooting through his stomach.

His thoughts were cut short as a knocking rang at the bathroom door as he heard his sisters voice.

"You alright?" She asked with a worrisome tone, as Harry shook his head because no, he wasn't alright he wasn't sure at this point he could even more. "Harry?" She said a little quicker and a little louder knocking once again.

"Gem," he moaned as tears feel feely by now. "Open the door." He said as Gemma did noticing Harry's body leaning close into the bathtub. Gemma's eyes went wide as she rushed to her younger brother.

"What.. What's going on should I get Lou? Mum?" Harry shook his head lifting his head up as Gemma helped him a bit, he could see the concern radiating from her brown eyes.

"I think I'm dying," he said honestly crying as he clutched on to her as she started to cry.

"No, no. I'm, I'm calling an abulance. Louis!" She screamed Louis' name as three figures came into the bathroom seeing the two siblings clutching one an other crying as Harry's hand was latched on to his stomach.

Robin instantly pulled his mobile out as Anne held Louis tight, scared to walk to her children, more scared she couldn't walk there.

"Robins ringing the hospital, you'll be okay, okay? Your gonna be fine Harry, your a fighter, yeah? It's going to be okay." Gemma whispered as she cried Harry just couldn't even cry at this point he was just so sore, he didn't know what emotion to feel.

Once the paramedics arrived, Gemma went with Harry in the ambulance as Louis, Anne, and Robin drove to the hospital. No one spoke, there was no words to be said, no one knew the fate they'd step into once they walked into the hospital.

Once they got there, Louis told Anne and Robin to go in first, he'd come in, in a bit. He needed some air. When he said that he meant, he needed a cigarette because his nerves was shot and he couldn't do this anymore. Screw his health, he needed this or he was going to explode.

After bumming one off of an annoyed mid-aged woman, he lit it up (with the lighter she borrowed to him) an let the smoke full his lungs. He sat on a bench the a cigarette in hand while he had his head held in it. Looking up and taking a drag he, started to cry a bit, Harry was in the hospital- Louis didn't know wether his boyfriend was alive or not- and here he was smoking. Smoking which caused lung cancer, what Harry, his beautiful Harry was dying of.

He felt long fingers grab the cigarette from his hand as he noticed it was Anne, who put the cigarette out.

"I thought you quit?" She questioned as Louis sighed running his hands over his face, Anne taking a seat next to him.

"I did.. I haven't smoked in a long time, just, felt like I was going to pass out like everything was too much. So I bummed one, wrong wasn't it?" Anne pulled Louis close into her, comforting like only a mother could- mothers always could comfort other people, it was just something they'd learned from comforting their own children- Louis was already like a son to her. One day she had, had hopes of her own son and Louis walking down the isle together, joining the two family. Then Louis really would be her son, but that wasn't going to happen, she she tried not to dwell on all the things life had to offer that Harry was bound to miss out on.

"It wasn't wrong honey, no, your stressed. Everyone is, you've been a saint this whole time, love, and I can never ever thank-you enough. You've done everything above and beyond for Harry, and I can't begin to think how your bound to feel, I'm just his mum- not his boyfriend- I have to say I've never seen two people more... Perfect for each other, and you've been so good to Harry, you've always been good to him. Honestly Louis, I can't thank-you enough." Louis' arms were around Anne, as he cried into her chest, not caring how odd people would think it was. He just needed this.

"I'm so sorry Anne, I'm so sorry." He cried as Anne soothed him, she knew that he blamed this on himself, she wiped her own eyes as she seen her husband walk out.

"He's going to have to stay over night until they can get the test results back, maybe two days. Depends, his own doctors not in right now, they called her and she said she'd be in tomorrow. They're positive his pain his because it's spread to his liver." Louis whimpered as Anne placed a hand over her mouth letting tears fall freely, no matter how much they prepared themselves for this, it stung worst then they'd ever imagined.

*

Louis refused to leave the hospital when Anne, Robin and Gemma were leaving, he didn't want to leave Harry. Harry had protested but Louis just said no.

Harry was sleeping and Louis couldn't, his eyes were fixed on his younger lover. It was about eight in the morning and he was utterly knackered but he couldn't go to sleep. Soon a woman entered who he knew as Harry's doctor.

"Hello Louis," she greeted with a few papers in her hand setting them on the desk, as she walked over checking on Harry. "How's he been while he was sleeping?" She questioned, she knew Louis wouldn't have slept and judging by his look on his face she knew he hadn't.

"A few times I thought he was going to wake up but he hasn't, he tossed a lot though." She nodded checking the numbers on the oxygen tank and the heart monitor.

"He's in a lot of pain, right now. If it has spread to the liver though, I'm almost confident we can cut the tumour out. It's just it's a guessing game, wether it'll come back or not. I'm not sure if he'd rather do chemo at this point?" Louis shook his head. Harry won't change his mind on that, Louis had tried too many times.

"No, he.. He's not going to do that I know that for sure."

"Has he been taking all his right pills?" Louis nodded, Louis made sure to give him his pill box every morning, and night.

"Yeah, the three pills, he takes in the morning and two at night." She narrowed her eyes, looking over a paper because she was nearly sure she had him anti-depressants and sleeping pills.

"Yeah those pills are the ones he takes for the cancer, what about the anti-depressants and sleeping pills? Is he not taking them?" Louis looked at Harry furrowing his eyebrows, Harry never said anything about anti-depressants or sleeping pills. She took Louis' silence as the 'she-let-the-cat-out-of-the-bag' kind of silence. She just licked his lips, sticking a few packets into Harry's IV.

"I didn't.. I'm not sure if he has been." Louis muttered looking at Harry confused, still. The doctor just smiled a bit.

"Well I just have him his pills through the IV, minus the sleeping pills. He should be up soon because the B-12 is going to give him the energy he needs, so when he does just press the button at the side of the bed so I can come in and talk about the results. Should get them in, within the next twenty minutes." Louis nodded as she smiled walking out, he still didn't know why Harry kept the fact he was taking anti-depressants and sleeping pills. Not that he was going to ask him about it when he woke up, but he will- eventually.

Louis kept waiting for Harry to wake up for what felt like hours, but it was more like ten minutes. Soon the younger lads green eyes flicked a few times before groaning, something he did every morning.

"Jesus," he rasped out in his groggy morning voice as his eyes laid on his lover. "Didn't think you stayed last night, you look exausted." Louis smiled a bit, leaning closer to Harry kissing him, Louis now knew his angle to bring up the subject of the pills.

"Don't worry love, it's good. When I go home I'll just take a sleeping pill." He winked, as Harry glared with narrow eyes.

"Lou..."

"No, it's fine. I don't care. Just shocked." Harry felt had for not telling him, but he wasn't exactly thrilled for the fact at night he had to take a pill to sleep good and when he woke up he had to take a two pills so he didn't try and off himself already. He was embarrassed about it. Harry began to open his mouth but once Harry woke up Louis had pressed the button so soon Harry's doctor came strolling in.

"Sleep good?" Harry shrugged looking at Louis, who needed to sleep the poor lad looked like he was running off of coffee, and Louis hates coffee.

"Okay, so I'm going to go get the sheets and bring them in. I just seen your mum as sister were coming in so we can discuss this with everyone." Just then, Gemma and Anne came in, as the doctor left.

Anne frowned at Louis, but ran a hand through his hair taking a seat besides him.

"Love, please go back after this and get some rest okay?" Louis yawned nodding as the doctor came back in, with a screen and a few sheets.

"Okay, so this here, is going to show you the places that have cancer in them. Grey has nothing and anything that lights up green, has the cancer." She explained "everyone ready?" She asked while pulling the machine in, Harry just left his gaze to the wall, he had a feeling this was going to go horribly.

He heard his mum and Gemma gasp but before looking at the screen his eyes locked at Louis, who just had his head in his hands. Crying, possibly.

Harry looked and he took had a look of shock, mostly everything was green.

"Okay, so before I looked at the results, I had said the tumours in the liver could be cut out. They.. There's no way we can cut them out, the surgery would be fatal even if we tried. Essentially, your liver will shut down. If it wasn't for your weakened heart, as of right now the mussel around the heart as stretched because is over working itself. So instead of the liver shutting down, then your body. It'll be your heart that will give up, first, then the rest. Your mind however, it will try and keep the body working, which is going to seen the mind into shock when it can't fix everything.

Really there's many ways to predict everything, in a nutshell, your body is giving up, the cancer is everywhere. I honestly don't think it's wise to live back at home, so from now on I'm giving you a hospitalization. We have to monitor everything."

"So, this is it?" Harry questioned while everyone around him was crying, but he will still. The doctor bit her lip looking up at the briefly before looking back at Harry nodding.

"I'm sorry." She whispered pulling the machine that just sated his death away with her.

And this was it, he was officially dying.


	5. january

Harry wasn't taking hospitalization well, it was half way into January and he was about as feed up with it as he was with his life. He had stopped taking the anti-depressants to prove a point to Louis that he didn't need them. Yet he really did need them. Harry thought many times about just turning oxygen tank off, he'd die eventually because he couldn't breath so it was always an option. Of course it wasn't set in stone when he'd die but he felt it was soon, he felt his bone ache with giving up. He'd deny, deny, deny how horrible he felt but truth be told he was done, he was sick and done. He wished he was already dead.

*

"You don't have to do this Lou," Liam coaxed as Caroline finished styling them before taking the stage on the BBC morning show.

"I know Liam, but, I just feel like I should. I don't want to I want to be next to Harry more then anything right now because I'm terrified to be gone and get the call that he's dead, bloody scared." Louis chewed his nails so he didn't cry, Liam rubbed his back comforting the older boy. Louis was in culture shock for many reasons, one his boyfriend- the love of his life- was slowly dying. Two he wasn't used to have to baby Harry, it was always Harry taking care of Louis despite the age difference. It was just, his whole life was flipped upside down an crumbling at the seems, everyone felt bad for him.

"Lou, we are all scared, I wake up every morning scared to look at my phone because I don't know what it'll show me. Every time ether you or Gemma call I'm scared it's because he's gone, Louis I know I'm not his boyfriend and I'm not in love with Harry but this is hard on all of us. Please know that were here for you, and we know how you're feeling. We love you." Liam still was rubbing Louis' back but now Louis was crying because Liam was right, Harry was more then just his boyfriend. He was a son, a brother, a friend, a cousin, he was so many things. So many more things then Louis could count and Louis felt shellfish, about only thinking it was him that would be heartbroken when he was dead.

"Lads?" Zayn called in as Niall came behind. "Ready?" Liam gave Louis a smile and Louis nodded as the two other boys walked in all comforting Louis, but he felt like shit because he wasn't the only one needing comfort.

"So how Harry?" The interview had went with out question of Harry and it was inevitable that he was going to be brought up. Niall was the first one to speak up and Liam was thankful, because he didn't think he could be the one to break the news of Harry's hospitalization.

"He's doing, Christmas Day he had a scare and he was admitted into the hospital, where he will continue to stay. He's in hospitalization and he's fighting as well as he can, it's been hard on all of us and we assure you, the tweets and messages about Harry are appreciated." The interviewer nodded, bitting her lip turning to face Louis and Louis wasn't ready to be questioned about this.

"And how are you all handling with this? I assume everyone is taking it differently." Louis sighed when the question wasn't directed at him but spoke up none the less.

"My life has never been so hectic, I've never in a million years imagined being in this place. I'd never imagined Harry being hospitalized -and sorry for not sugar coating this- dying of cancer, it's just been a lot to take in. I was angry when I first found out, mainly at him, but I understood a lot of his reasonings to keep it from me. He was terrified, after the initial anger wore off I was scared, I never felt like I need him more in my life..." Louis sniffled a bit as Zayn's hand squeezed Louis' thigh. "No matter how much I've mental per-pared myself for the worst to happen. I don't think I'll ever be fully ready, and that's the scary part. Loosing my Harry." The rest of the interview went by in a blur for Louis, his mind was filled with harryharryharry, he wished the bastard could be out of his mind for one minute. A second even, but that was never the case.

After the interview the boys decided to have an intervention with Louis, so to speak. The exhaustion was clear across the twenty-three year olds face, he needed rest he couldn't keep going like this.

"Lou, we need to talk with you." Just earlier in the week, while Louis sat by Harry's bedside Liam had spoke with Harry's doctor. Which in turn lead to Liam telling Zayn and Niall, and also Anne, Gemma and Robin. So Louis was left to be the last to know, and really it wasn't fair, but no one knew the words to say.

Louis' eyebrow cocked towards Liam then to the two other boys, who just gave him a look of compassion.

"We were told earlier this week," Liam bit his lip his voice shaking a bit. "We've been told to start making arrangements." Louis didn't even speak, just gritted his teeth and turned on his heal.

"Lou," Liam called out through a sob, as Louis turned around with pursed lips and red eyes.

"What the fuck could you possibly want to say?" He spat as he cried, all four boys crying at this point. "What the fucking hell, can be fucking said at this point?" He yelled, he was fed up. Done. He couldn't do anything anymore.

"We all knew this was going to happen Louis, and I know it's hard hearing it out loud, please Lou-"

"Zayn, shut the fuck up. Just shut up okay? Jesus." Louis held his head in the plan of his hand before Zayn, wrapped his arms around him.

"I love him so much," he cried as Zayn rubbed his back looking over at Liam and Niall with glossy eyes shaking his head letting his tears fall.

"We know Lou, we all love him."

*

Harry couldn't express the level of how bored he really was, his mum and Gemma had been in earlier and left a little under an hour ago. Louis and the lads had been to an interview and as far as he had been told they were tired and needed a lie down before they came to visit.

Picking his mobile up he texted Ed, to come save him from his boredom, Ed should be free. He would feel bad if he wasn't because he knew Ed was too nice to, not drop everything and come see this sick lad.

{Mate. Come over get your ass over here. I'm bored.}

{Glad to know I'm only useful for times of boredom, you tosser. I'll be over soon.}

{Hope you weren't busy...}

{Nope. Sitting on my ass ;) I'll be over in 10.}

With that message Harry smiled rolling his eyes, sending a text to Louis telling him that Ed was coming over and he missed him. All the while Louis was getting drunk as fuck, after Louis had been dropped off he opened one of the many bottles of alcohol and started drinking it. Along with lighting a cigarette up, he was just so done.

Harry didn't have to know that though.

"Styles!" Ed called in the room with a bouquet of flowers.

"What the hell did you bring me flowers for?" Ed laughed for a minute as he sat on Harry's bed, while Harry sat up and glanced over his ginger friend. "Are you high?"

"Oh fuck off, no I'm not bloody high. Just a funny story on how I got these." Harry's eyebrow raised while he coughed and Ed fully took in Harry's appearance, and he looked awful, so awful Ed didn't want to joke around he wanted to hug him and never let go. He didn't though, he didn't want to treat Harry like he was sick, he just wanted it to be like old times with the pair.

"Go on then, or do I really want to know?" Ed snorted getting pulled away from his thought.

"Do you remember the one time we were in LA? You and Louis had broken up, and me and you got so drunk we couldn't stand. Then in the morning you bought me flowers? Well these were the flowers. I was walking past a flower shop and seen them and had to buy them it was like a sign, or something." Ed laughed as Harry did recall that night, he was no older then eighteen and he had got piss drunk with Ed in their hotel room in LA. Harry was depressed about his break up with Louis, and Ed was just a good friend who stayed with him.

"I recall you through these same flowers back at me after I gave them to you," Harry shot back with a chuckle as Ed raised his eye brow- cackling now.

"Shit! I did too, I was so bloody hungover and you come over with those stupid brown boots on and these cheesy flowers and crying about how sorry you were," Ed had to stop talking so he could catch his breath- that's how funny the memory was to him. "And fuck, I ripped them out of your hands and flung them at your head telling you to 'shut the fuck up' and you just kept crying and I found you passed out two hourslater with your skin tight jeans around your calfs, flowers and flower stems in your hair and a bottle of gin besides you while you were laying on the floor." Harry burst out laughing at this point, because he couldn't contain himself. It was just such a stupid time, it was so funny to look back on.

"You thought I had died! I remember waking up to you on the phone with Louis of all people to ring at that time, and you were in tears- oh God- then Louis called you a fucking idiot, he was just booking a flight to LA because he thought you'd gave me alcohol poisoning or some shit like that." Ed and Harry continued laughing at the memory, at the time it wasn't funny, but now years down the line when it wasn't dramatic. It was pretty goddamn funny. Harry bit his lip while he looked at the flowers again shaking his head.

"I know I really wasn't going to ask you this," Ed started as Harry's eyes moved from the flowers to Ed's green eyes. "But don't bullshit me how are you? Like mentally, not even cancer-wise."

"Be honest?" Harry questioned as Ed nodded, quickly, Harry sighed. "I'm shitty, physically. Like I can't breathe with out a damn machine, laughing hurts, talking hurts, hell even moving hurts.

Emotionally though? Last week not good but this week I... I don't know I've accepted it. Like people live, people die, it's life. I mean yeah it's beyond shitty I've had to get cancer and live my last few months in a hospital, but like look at the life I've had. This is all in Gods plan, isn't it? I actually wrote something I want you to read at my funeral."

"Harry..."

"No, I'm serious. It's going to happen soon, they think I don't know they have secret conversations about making arrangements and that for my funeral. I do, I know and I've accepted it now. I'm dying Ed I can't change it, I've learned to live with it." Ed turned his gaze away from his friend and out the window, as Harry pulled book out ripping a page and handing it to Ed.

"I'm asking you do this because," Harry paused for a minute looking over Ed and Christ, he really didn't want to leave this fucker behind. Reality was hitting him in different waves, ether he was fine with dying or he wasn't. He felt mildly bi-polar.

"I know that none of the lads will be able to, Nick will take the piss out of me somehow. I doubt Louis will do anything but cry, same with mum, Gems, dad and Robin. So that leaves you right? Add what you feel into it but, seriously, this is the last thing I want you do to for me." Ed really couldn't argue so he took the paper from the boys had glancing at it before Harry gave him a look.

"Don't read it until I die okay? I know it's stupid but I want you to read it as soon as you've-"

"I got it Harry," Ed snapped slightly with red trimmed eyes, genuinely, he wanted to change the subject. He did open the can of worms though.

"I hate that everyone keeps crying, and I'm the cause of it." Harry sighed licking his lips as he ran a hand through his hair. Ed chuckled fighting tears away,shaking his head.

"H, you really never think of your self do you? That's why people cry over you, people are sad to see such a selfless, wonderful human leave this world. Jesus Harry, you have this effect on people that's... Amazing, honestly, there will never be another you. No one can replace you, and no one will replace your spot as my best friend." Harry smiled with glossy eyes.

"I'll save you a seat at the bar in heaven? When it gets your time and if there's any bars, you'll be sat there with me as soon as you get to the other side. Make up for lost time." Ed snorted, laughing as Harry smiled wide dimples showing and all.

"You idiot, isn't that like.. Impossible? A bar in heaven?" Ed shook his head while Harry shrugged his shoulders.

"Jesus turned water into wine."

"Yeah but he never turned water into 'Porn Stars' face it H, we won't be getting shit faced in heaven."

*

Louis never showed up for two days and when he did, Harry smelled him before he could see him. Wrinkling his nose and glancing at the door expecting Zayn, or Nick with the scent of fresh smoke. Yet seeing his boyfriend. Harry didn't judge, ever, when it came to Louis smoking habit but now he did. He'd begged Zayn and Nick to quit, both boys tried for the sake of Harry and ending up with lung cancer. They both were quitting and doing not half bad, but Louis smoking again? It was enough to make Harry pissed off, he was being moronic. Louis stood at the door frame of Harry's hospital room, with ray-bans covering his eyes and a beanie over his hair. Harry shook his head, before speaking.

"I honestly don't want an explanation."

"Then you won't get one." Louis fired back, walking closer to Harry's bedside while Harry's had his face turned away, he didn't want this right now. He didn't want to argue with Louis, he knew he was about to though.

"Are you not going to talk to me? Your fucking dying and I won't ever see you again so fucking talk." Harry's head turned to face Louis who now took the glasses off showing bloodshot eyes.

"Are you drunk?" Harry questioned with squinted eyes as Louis snorted.

"Don't be a little bitch," Louis started as Harry's eyebrow cocked giving him a look. "Don't." Harry stayed silent because he wasn't dealing with this, drunk Louis, he couldn't deal with it.

"I don't even fucking understand Louis," he had to confront him, Harry wasn't that type of 'silent treatment' lad, he was a confronter. "Your.. Your throwing your life away if your going to start this shit, smoking and drinking. Hell okay get shit faced wasted if that's what floats your fancy, every once and a while. Smoking? Really, Louis I'm in a goddamn hospital bed glued to it nearly because of lung cancer, how is lung cancer caused? By smoking. I never even bloody smoked more then one cigarette when I was twelve, and here I am, don't be fucking stupid. Louis please, I'm begging you, don't do this shit, just don't."

"Maybe I want to have cancer Harry." Louis yelled standing up, clearly drunk, Louis never caused a scene. "Maybe I want to die too, have you ever sat and thought about me? I don't want to live in a world without you, fuck, Harry! I'm dying, a part of me is dying with you! I can't do this, they've got a funeral home on call for the moment you die. It's all planned Harry. Your twenty-years-old. We should have had a life together, should have grown old together. Now... Now look at us, look at this, what even is this. I just, I don't want to do this." Harry sat up I his bed, as Louis stared him in the eye, while tears pickled down Louis face.

"Don't you dare Lou, don't you dare even think of doing anything stupid after I'm gone. Do you hear me? Your going to move on, your going to get married and your going to have a life. I don't want to have to kick your ass, so don't follow me to heaven. Think of it like a break-up. Please. I'm begging you not to off yourself, and not to do anything reckless. Can you promise me that?" Louis looked anywhere but at Harry, trying to find a way to get his way out of promising anything to him.

"Louis," harry called as Louis nodded reluctantly, with tears tracing down his face.

"Okay. I promise."


	6. Chapter 6

They say sometimes you start crying before you even know why, and that the pain doesn't hit you for a few days. You become numb, emotionless, and you just sit in shock.

It wasn't something to be shocked about but when you get a call hours from being with someone, about their death nothing sets in.

~

"Twenty-One today, old man." Harry shook his head with a slight chuckle at his friend.

"Haven't you already hit that quite sometime ago? Old man." Niall just snorted as Anne came in with a cake and Harry groaned.

"Mam, seriously?" Anne just gave Harry a look, before placing it on the table as the rest of his friends piled in, along with Louis who had a bottle of tequila.

"Happy birthday love," he said placing the alcohol down and walking to his lover. "I love you." Harry smiled as the older boy kissed him, as everyone adverted their attention to let the couple have a minute.

"You did try and talk my mother out of this yeah?" Louis just smiled nodding, pushing hair out of Harry's face kissing him again.

"If it helps you sleep at night then okay, I tried but you know Anne, she doesn't take no for an awnser." Harry rolled his eyes pulling Louis into the bed with him, ignoring the company, they talked amsted themselves anyways.

"Lou," he rasped out he just had to say this now because he really felt bad his lungs kept fucking up all day and he's chocked like four time and nearly stopped breathing. Louis nodded kissing his lips quickly before Harry started talking. "I think I'm going to die tonight, I feel it, lou I fucking love you okay?" Louis eyes scanned Harry's face a few times before Harry's hand wiped a tear fro Louis' face.

"Don't cry love, I don't want everyone worked up. Think of it this way, I'm not going to be in pain anymore." Louis took a deep breath nodding hold on to Harry.

"I love you with everything I've got." Harry smiled as Louis in wrapped himself from Harry, standing up and holding his hand out to help Harry- like a proper gentlemen.

"Thanks Lou," he murmured kissing Louis neck, while Louis arm snaked around Harry's thin torso and the other hand held Harry's oxygen.

"Mum you really didn't have to do this, all of you, it's just another day." Harry stated as they all shook their heads a few groaned in protest.

"It's your twenty-first, it's kind of a big milestone, we wouldn't have not done this." Liam replied as he fixed himself and his girlfriend a drink, Harry just blushed shaking his head. Enjoying standing with Louis next to him, and all his friends and family around him. It was surreal to think he was dying, and to think this was truly his last day on the blessed earth.

He was thrilled to see his mum and dad on speaking terms again, their divorce was bitter no matter how much they denied it to him and Gemma. So seeing them at least tolerating one another, made Harry extremely happy.

After a while of standing Harry had to sit, so Louis got him a chair and Gemma sat beside him cuddling her brother, while Louis fetched them drinks.

"How you doing?"

"I'm glad everyone's here." Gemma's eyes snapped at him before she rolled them, sighing.

"Your being around the bush, you mustn't be feeling well." She stated, sadly, sad that she even had to be having this conversation with him.

"Gems, don't ask because I don't feel like saying how bad I truly feel okay? Can we just have today where it's like I'm not sick? Please?" He snapped at her while she hummed nodding, lifting her head off his shoulder and kissing his pale cheek. In all retrospective, the way Harry had been acting today made it appear like he was, dare anyone say it, but getting better. He was putting his best face forward, this is how he wanted people to remember him, laughing and smiling and full of life. He'd give everyone this last image, and hope no one would mourn too hard.

He acted so well, everyone bought it, minus Louis of course. He knew what Harry was doing and it put him in a further sour mood, knowing what he had told him earlier.

"Cake now?" Anne questioned as Harry nodded green eyes flashing to his mums smiling as she grabbed a lighter from Nick (who Louis wasn't pleased with being there, Harry didn't have to know though.) lighting the candles on the silly cake they'd bought him.

Everyone sung happy birthday, as Harry smiled crying nearly, because he was so widely loved and it made him emotional.

"Make a wish love," Louis murmured in his ear as Harry took a deep breath. Blowing the candles out, wishing for nothing but Gods protection over everyone during their mourning.

Soon everyone had gone home, Harry was back in the bed and Louis stayed clutching his hand.

"Louis please, just go get some rest."

"Stop this, I'm not leaving I'm staying until the very moment it happens." Louis huffed while Harry sighed shutting his eyes feeling Louis hand tense against his own.

"Still alive," he said flatly as Louis snorted in a non-comical way.

"Your being obnoxious."

"Then leave." Harry's eyes locked on to Louis' who's were wet with tears that were building up. Harry didn't want Louis around to stay and watch him die, and the tightness in his chest was making Harry's breaths short and fast.

"Harry?" Harry's eyes squeezed shut in pain as he coughed a bit trying to get more air flow.

"Lou, I'm in a lot of pain right now, please go get the doctor."

"Harry-" Harry cut him off as Louis was now full on crying.

"Please Louis, this is my dying wish, that you not be here. Love, I don't want this to be what you remember of me. I love you so much Louis. Please just, just leave." Louis sobbed placing lips on Harry's for one last kiss.

"Goodbye Harry," he sobbed kissing his lips again and running a hand through his hair. "I love you so much." Harry licked his lips nodding holding himself back from crying shutting his eyes as Louis turned on his heal with his hand covered over his mouth.

Louis grabbed the nurse on duty, telling her of Harry's condition, she glanced with wide eyes biting her lip before calling Harry's main nurse.

The two nurses walked into Harry's room fourteen minutes after Louis had left, with a still Harry.

Louis stood at the door frame with tears blinding him, as they checked for a pulse but none to be found.

"I'm so-" Louis turned on his heal walking straight out of the hospital coughing he was crying so hard.

Liam, he needed Liam. Dialling liam, he tried calming himself down but failed. He felt like a proper idiot because right now Harry was probably looking down on him wishing he would stop crying, but he couldn't.

"Hello?" Liam picked up but all that came out was chocked sobs, and Harry's name moaned. Liam's world stopped for a minute, he couldn't even hear Sophia asking him what was wrong, and who was on the phone. Tears slipped from his eyes but no sound came, he was in utter shock.

"Lou- Lou where are you?" He said with an unstable voice swallowing a sob.

"Hospital." He cried out as Liam hung up shrugging his coat on grabbing his keys as Sophia came behind him grabbing the keys of him.

"Your in no state to drive right now, let me." She stated kissing his lips holding him as he broke down.

"It's not fucking fair Soph." He cried as she too let a few tears fall.

"I know babe, I know. We have to get Louis though, okay?" Liam took a deep breath wiping some tears away holding into his girlfriend walking to the car.

"I just can't believe he's gone."

*

"It quotes here in Mathew 5:4, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." And i truly believe you all will be further comforted." The minster spoke while tear filled eyes looked upon him. "Today we are all gathered to celebrate the life of Harry Styles, Harry was a compassionate lad everyone could agree. In fact his mum and I were walking and she told me a few story's about when Harry was young, he was always think about other and, wanted to help the world. He was a genuine person." Anne sat with her husband and Gemma along with Louis. Behind them sat Liam, who clutched tight on to Sophia. Zayn sat with a quite pregnant Perrie, trying not to cry too hard. Where as Niall sat next to Ed and Niall was still in a bit of denial. Not one person in the church had a dry eye, Harry's death was effecting everyone.

"Harry's twenty-first birthday had just past, his last day on this blessed earth was surrounded by family and friends, before he went to be with The Lord.

Now I know for mourning, it feels like the end of the world for Harry wasn't just a person, he was a son, a brother, a boyfriend, a bandmate, a best mate and over all just a good friend. So gripping the death of this wonderful human will be hard, but Harry had said it himself. Don't mourn for he is in heaven now walking with Jesus and watching down on us all, without the pain of the cancer that plagued his body. Harry was a quite devote Christian man, but he'd never preach out to people, but had a very good relationship with God.

Once again, Harry was just a great human, who's going to be very missed." The minister paused as Ed moved up fixing his suit holding on to a paper as Louis eyebrow raised, slightly swallowing the lump in his throat.

Ed stood now where the minister had, clearing his throat and opening the paper as a he tried not to cry.

"Harry asked me before he died if I could read this for him, so I promised I would. He told me that as soon as I heard he had passed to read this, to myself and I half to say, I knew Harry was a thoughtful person. I knew Anne and Des had raised him proper good, but I just didn't know how good." He spoke as Anne sniffled smiling a bit, grubbing Robins hand, looking at her ex-husband who was with his new wife as while, giving a comforting smile.

"So here it goes.

'I can now admit that I never truly felt good, I always felt sick but I would never want to be a further burden on everyone as I had been. During first finding out I had cancer I told no one, Louis was the first to know because I never took proper care of myself. That possibly a fault in me was that I never put myself first, when I first got sick before I got diagnosed with cancer, I never wanted anyone to know I was sick. We were touring and I didn't want to have the tour delayed, and the fans disappointed. I resent doing that quite a bit, I resent it for the fact maybe I could have caught the cancer earlier and still been here to tell the tale. Yet it didn't happen, I never caught it, when I did it was too late. It made me appreciate life, Gods gift to us all. It made me closer with my family, my Louis, and all my friends. These last six months, have been the most painful ones that I've ever endured but one of the best, because I spent it with everyone I love.

That's all we an ask for.

I think when we come near our last days, we see that genuinely love rather it be from a friend or a lover or a family member, is the only thing you need to die having. I had a lot of love surrounding me, and I always have.

I've always been surrounded with the best people, I've been truly blessed.' " Ed sniffled looking out at the congregation, with a sympathetic smile.

"Harry was one of the most wonderful humans to be around, he was like a brother to me and I loved him. He was the kinda lad that would sit up and listen to you whine for hours on end, only if you returned the favour." Ed smiled fondly, reminiscing on his late friend. "All in all, Harry will be greatly missed. Never will there be someone to replace him, he was genuine and the world is at al loss right now." He took a deep breath before walking back to his seat, where Niall rubbed his back. As the minister gave a few more sermons, finishing the service.

*

No one knew what to feel really, the reality of Harry being gone had set in for Louis a week and half after the funeral. Everyone else had been through that reality but Louis hadn't, it was surreal nearly. He just sat and cried, throwing things around asking God why he was so hated, why he took the one thing that mattered from him.

If Louis was stupid and careless with no heart he'd run up the stairs and grab the sleeping pills of Harry's and end it, just to be with Harry. He wasn't selfish though, he had so many people to live for, so much to live for. Just without Harry, which was a culture shock in it's own.

Louis also felt bad for trashing the guest room at his mums, no one trusted Louis to be alone right now, or wanted him alone really. While Louis attempted to clean the room up he cried, he felt pathetic but he didn't know what else to do. His mum came in glancing around with a cocked eyebrow before finding a crying Louis, picking up a broken picture frame.

"Oh Lou," she whispered walking to her son, and pulling him in to her arms, comforting him as only a mother can. "Sh, baby, it's okay. Let it all out." Louis cried harder, being cradled by his mother, he was twenty-three for Christ sake.

"It hurts so bad mum," he wept wishing he could have Harry holding him instead.

"I know it does love, but Harry's still with you, not physically but he is. He's watching over you now and he's in no pain, you'll see him again one day." She soothed him as he hiccuped. "I loved him like a son Lou, it's hard on all of us, I know you're not over this at all though it's going to take a long time. You've just lost your long-term boyfriend, your bound to be very upset. Just don't bottle it up, okay? It's not healthy." Louis nodded as she kissed his head, taking a deep breath wiping tears from her sons eyes.

"I'll send Lottie to help you clean this up, and dinner should be done in a half hour." She said kissing him again before she slipped out of the room and Louis wiped his tears away looking up smiling a bit, and sighing.

"I really miss you Harry. I miss everything about you. I'm not ready to get over it yet, but I hope your having fun. I love you." He murmured through tears. He just really missed Harry.

One day he will get over it, one day, he can move on but for now, he mourning the death of his lover.

That's all right with him, he needs to have some mourning, they all do.

FIN.


End file.
